


Relapse

by kaypancake



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternative Universe - College, Angst, Chan had an eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Happy Ending, Jun is here for Chan, M/M, Recovery, Written for NaNoWriMo, but this one shot is more about their friendship, he was recovering but he relapsed, mentions of chan in love with jun, you interpret it however you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:34:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21747601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaypancake/pseuds/kaypancake
Summary: Chan tried. He really tried to recover. But the voice in his head was even louder than usually. Telling him he was disgusting.OrChan relapsed and Jun is here for him.
Relationships: Kang Yuchan | Chan & Park Junhee | Jun
Kudos: 35





	Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning : if you have/had an ed do no read that. Yes it ends well, yes Chan is going to be fine. But you shoudn't read it. It can be triggering. So please don't.
> 
> (English isn't my native language so if there are mistakes, don't hesitate to tell me.)

Chan tried. He really tried.

He started eating again. Still a bit less than he should. But he managed to keep a viable diet for already a month. Maybe he had skipped some meals. But he didn’t spend more than half a day without eating. It was such an improvement. He tried to eat some of his fear foods, even a bit was considered as a win. 

He felt better and worse at the same time. Better because he wasn’t always so tired. And he stopped being always so cold even under several blankets. 

But worse because the voice in his head was even louder than usually. 

Telling him he was disgusting.

That he should die.

He didn’t deserve to eat. 

But he was fighting them. Saying over and over affirmations in hope that one day he will believe them. He threw away his scale, promising himself not to look at his weight ever again. He still had no idea how he looked, body dysmorphia was a sneaky bitch. He strongly believed that he looked fat. But he always thought that, even when he was dangerously underweight. When he asked Junhee, he told him he looked healthier.

Healthier. 

What does that even mean? 

_Being healthy is just a word to say that you’re getting fatter._

No.

Stop. 

_You lost control. You need control. You don’t need to eat._

Chan really tried. But his thoughts were too loud. He was just tired to fight them. 

_You deserve to starve to death._

Recovery was dumb, he couldn't help to think.

So Chan worked out. He needed to burn all the calories, he needed to lose all the pounds he gained. He needed to be thin again. He could see in the mirror. He looked awful. He only stopped working out only when he collapsed on the ground, exhausted.

After a shower, he lied down on his bed. He stayed the whole day under his blanket. He didn’t have the energy to do anything anyway. And hunger is more bearable doing nothing.

_You are disgusting._

He cried. He cried until he had no tears left. He cried until he fell asleep.

The next day was no better. He only went to the kitchen to drink water. He didn’t touch any food. 

The weekend was ending. And with that he had to go back to university. With only coffee and a 0% yogurt in his belly, he dragged himself to class. 

When some of his friends suggested to go eat something, he lied and told them he already ate and wanted to work at the library. They believed him. Lying had become a second nature. It was so easy. 

As soon as his day was over, he rushed to his small apartment. He needed to be alone. He needed to work out. 

So he did. It hurt like hell, his whole body, tired from the lack of food and the day before was suffering. But he only authorised himself to stop when he was shaking and couldn’t support his own weight. He stayed on the ground a long time before finally get up and took a shower.

When he went out, he looked at himself with disgust. He looked at his own reflection in the mirror. Even knowing his illness was blurring his body he couldn’t fathom a body that wasn’t big.

_You are worthless and fat._

He wanted to cry. Not because those voices were insulting him. But because he believed them. He had left the bathroom, but this thoughts followed him.

_You are a burden for everyone._

He tried to work on homework, but he was obsessing over food. Over needing to be thinner, over being fat. He couldn’t focus on anything without having intrusive thoughts. Nonetheless, he forced himself to work on that homework. He wouldn’t allow himself to eat if he didn’t finish it, he told himself. That was enough of a motivation. Chan finally was working, even though it was hard to focus with a growling stomach, but he managed.

He was still writing his paper when he heard someone knock. He headed to the door, curious. Who would even bother to visit him, a such waste of space?

When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Junhee.

Oh. 

It meant that… Oh fuck.

“You didn’t come to the library today, so I thought I would pass by.” The older said with a worried look on his face.

Chan immediately noticed that Jun held a plastic bag. From what he could see it was takeaway food. 

Since he had started to recover, Junhee and him were going to the library every day. Usually, they just worked next to each other. Sometimes Chan would quietly talk about the things on his mind. That daily meeting was what made him survive so many bad days. Not only because Jun was the only one who knew about his disordered tendencies and he was a caring sweetheart. But because Chan was completely in love with him and seeing Jun be proud of him, made him stronger.

He couldn’t let him enter. Jun would figure out about his current state. He couldn’t let that happen. Chan wouldn’t survive a disappointed look from the older.

“I just felt sick, I preferred go back home right away. Sorry hyung.” He pathetically explained. At least it was close to a truth.

“You could have texted me.” Jun’s expression seemed genuinely hurt. But he raised his arm that was holding the bag. “But I brought food, wanna have dinner together?”

Chan hesitated. “I really feel bad, maybe another day.”

He started closing the door, but Jun blocked it. “Chan. What’s wrong?” His voice was still calm, but Chan could see Junhee didn’t believe him.

“I’m fine, I promise, I just need to rest.”

The elder one looked at him, analysing him. He knew something wasn’t right, he just didn’t know why. Chan always looked tired but today was worse. Some details gave it away. Dark circles below his eyes and the loose way he was keeping his arm against his body, like he didn’t have the strength to hold himself.

“Can I stay with you tonight? You can rest but let me be with you.” 

Jun had a pleading look that made Chan answer: “Fine.” 

The elder one’s face brightened. And guilt crept into Chan. How could the other be so happy and proud when Chan was only lying to him?

“Let’s eat something and you can go rest.”

Chan composed a forced smile. “I’m really not hungry.” He said quietly. 

Just after this, his stomach growled, proving himself wrong. Betrayer. But if he heard it, Jun didn’t react.

“If you’re sick, you need to eat. So your body can heal itself.” Jun said in a motherly tone.

Chan was trapped. He couldn’t refuse the food without looking weird and draw attention to him. And he really didn’t want attention.

“If you say so.” He shrugged. 

“I took some chicken for myself. And the vegetarian menu for you.”

It could have been worse, tried to reason Chan as Junhee was displaying the food on the table. They ate, Chan had to forced himself to eat each bite. It was torture. His sick brain freaking out about the amount of food. About the calories he would need to burn later. But in the end he finished the meal. He felt a bit better now, but when guilt and disgust would hit he will be miserable. He knew it. He feared it.

Jun was talking about his day. His classes, his friends. Chan was grateful for Junhee’s ability to keep the discussion going for both of them. He didn’t know if he would be able to talk without betraying himself.

“I think I’m going to sleep.” Chan got up, for a second everything was blurry but he kept a straight face. 

“Can I sleep with you?” asked Jun, with a light tone.

They already slept in the same bed, that shouldn’t be a problem. But something tighten in his chest. Fear. Worry.

Still, he answered “Yes, sure Hyung.” 

After changing himself to a comfy pajama, he gave a toothbrush and an other pajama to Jun. He snuggled under the blanket, sighing at the warmth.

Now that he was alone, his thoughts came back. 

_You shouldn’t have eaten. You will get fatter. You’ll be ugly. You are ugly. You don’t need it. You don’t even deserve it._

Chan couldn’t help but cry. He was shaking, his vision was blurry. He felt awful. Stop. He wanted it to stop.

Jun entered the room. “Chan?” Jun heard the soft sobbing.

“Chan? What’s wrong?”

He immediately lied down next to his friend and hugged him.

“Chan, cry if you need to. But talk to me when you feel better. I can help you.” The tenderness of Junhee’s voice made Chan shiver. 

The boy sniffled. “What if I can’t be helped? What if I don’t deserve it.” His voice broke.

“Everyone who is in pain deserve to be helped, love. You are strong, but you can’t fight alone.”

“I am disgusting. I am a burden.” 

Jun tighten the embrace. “No, you are not, Yuchan. You are one of the most beautiful people I know.” 

“But you don’t see what I see. What I hear.” 

“What is that?” 

“I… I can’t stop thinking those thoughts. I’m tired to fight them. I want to be in control.” 

“Chan. You can be in control in so many different ways. You don’t need to hurt yourself.” Chan didn’t answer. “I don’t know what happened. But I’m proud of you. I’m proud of every day you fought your thoughts, every day you survived. I’m proud of you for even reaching out for help in the first place. You are beautiful just the way you are. But you can’t keep fasting. You will die if you do. I want you alive. I need you alive. If I need to tell you that everyday, I will. You don’t need to fight your mind alone. You shouldn’t have to.”

Chan snuggled against his friend’s chest and sighed contentedly. Jun put his arms around him. He felt better. He felt safer. He finally thought that maybe he would be okay. He murmured “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too, Chan.”

They slowly fell asleep together.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the kind of vent art I needed to write. I based that on my experience and a friend of mine's. Don't worry for me though, I'm fine now.
> 
> If you liked it, don't forget to leave a kudo or a comment, you make my day.


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